Over the last couple of weeks  this has been further confused by a trip to the USA.

Jetlag

A disruption in the normal rythyms and patterns of one’s body, caused by crossing multiple time zones in a passenger jet.

We are still struggling to get ourselves back on to BST.  First came ten nights of purple faced screaming.  That was fun.  Now we are loosely observing the hours of darkness – but as there are not too many of them at the moment, tiredness prevails.

Ever the optimist I recently discovered the well hidden silver lining.  After approximately 18 months of disturbed sleep, Claire and I felt no effects of jetlag on either leg of our trip.  Brill.  Granted it was hard to trail ourselves out of bed on a few occassions – but sure thats the norm.

It appears that we have been living in a state of ‘jetlag’ for the last 18 months.

Jetlag  (Smallprint)

A permanent state of disorientated frenzy and flux experienced by parents of poor sleeping children.  May further manifest in the form of delusions, hallucinations, loss of sense of humour as well as general paranoia.  Chronic sufferers should be approached with caution, though the offer of a duvet and ten minutes peace should see most curl into the foetal position in the nearest corner.

So it appears that I have in my possession a miniature jetlag antidote.  If you are planning a trip and want to get yourself ready – Mr Patrick’s bags are packed and he is more than happy to come stay.

I can’t recommend it enough.

Wet Wipe

Moist, soft tissues used to clean mucky bits.  Indispensable tools of the parenting trade that have more uses than one would care to admit in polite company.  Particularly good at removing food stains from clothes before getting out of the car upon arrival at work.

I was out at a friend’s last week, when something happened to me for the first time in years.  Whilst cleaning up the devastation of his son’s dinner, he reached over suddenly and wiped my face – very much in the manner that I do with my two, multiple times a day.

Wet Wipe (Smallprint)

A means of applying physical torture.  Victims are held in a variety of awkward positions, whilst these implements  are vigorously forced over the nose and mouth area.  When approached, best to react vocally so as to attract attention from onlookers, and if unlucky enough to be restrained, prolonged and violent wriggling usually proves enough to tire the aggressor.  As an evil aside, they are cunningly designed to resemble the most popular method of conveying peaceful intentions – the white flag. Do not be fooled.

Therefore, I would strongly recommend that, in a step of unilateral empathy, you have someone enthusiastically wipe your face today.

Then, simply breathe, count to ten, and wait for the overwhelming urge to kill them to subside.

Please.

Mr Alex is at a very imaginative stage and spends most of his days in character, battling unseen foes.  We went out with some friends for a walk on Sunday and he spent most of the day trying to vanquish the mysterious ‘Beast of One’.  Who, if Alex is to be believed, is a particularly terrifying character.

Weapon

An offensive item designed to render harm against an adversary.  Available in many forms with differing capacities for devastion.   Moral justification for use is complex, and they generally tend to be a burner of relational bridges.  Nuclear types are best avoided.

Thankfully the ‘Beast of One’ was pursued on the most part with a plastic sword.  (There was an incident involving a hand full of gravel, and a well aimed lob – but that has been dealt with and best not discussed further).

Weapon (Smallprint)

An improvised or alternate use for any common household item. Indeed with a little imagination any domestic setting can prove to be a veritable armoury.  Moral justificiation for use is straightforward – it is best to strike first and strike hard - before supervisory parental types try to introduce diplomatic measures.

Unfortunately, when the imaginary beasts manifest into a physical form, it is most usually in a shape similar to that of Mr Patrick – who recieves a liberal pummelling.

Our  BBQ accessory set is the latest domestic item on the blacklist, following an incident involving a set of of oversized tongs.

Happy times.

Poo

Expelled bodily waste with a distinctive odour.  Primarily made up of a mixture of digested foodstuffs along with byproducts of internal processes.  Is a potential hazard to health, and as a result, large amounts of time and money have been invested in creating elaborate sewage systems to ensure that exposure to said material is limited.  Has many synonyms, most of which are considered to be profane in nature.

Mr Alex, after a period of prolonged resistance, is now skilled at deploying his poo into the aforementioned sewage system.  Though someone generally has to witness each deposit, as he treats each a bit like the maiden voyage of a ship, requiring due celebration.  We do stop short of breaking bottles off of them though.

Mr Patrick, however, has recently had a rather nasty tummy bug.

Poo (Smallprint)

A foul, yet intriguing substance, that comes in variety of unpredictable forms.  In one of nature’s sickest flourishes, parental instinct overrides revulsion, in order to facilitate primary care of the young.  It has been said that when in a city that one is never more than twelve feet from a rat.  This maxim also applies to parents, in that they are likely never to be more than twelve feet from poo, or the remnant of an earlier transaction.

One evening last week, I picked Patrick out of his high chair to say ‘Hi’ when I got home from work.  First came the smell.  Second came the splat.  It appeared that the tummy bug had manifested some of the infamous ‘pure liquid’ variant, and it was cascading from every opening of Patrick’s clothing.

He looked like he had been marinated in a particularly piquant mustard. It was not one of his cuter moments.

A period of blind panic ensued that culminated in an emergency bath.

The next day I got into work.  A helpful colleague pointed out that it appeared that I had walked through a muddy puddle.

The white heat of realisation was followed by a nervous inclination towards honesty, but thankfully I pulled out of the nose dive in time.

Yes – Damn those mucky puddles.

Chocolate

A creamy textured foodstuff produced primarily from cocoa solids and cocoa butter.  A comfort food, that is a popular gift, treat and snack.  Believed by some to possess mood elevating properties.

We had the best of intentions to ration all Easter supplies this year.  However whatever resolve we had was quickly eroded by unbridled enthusiasm when the boys woke on Sunday morning.  Ten minutes later we were all in our bed  and covered.  It was mostly Patrick’s fault.

Following this healthiest of breakfasts, we then steeled ourselves for a variety of social engagements -brunch with friends, Church, lunch with Claire’s parents, and then dinner with mine.  What could go wrong?

Chocolate (Smallprint)

An illicit substance that stimulates the central nervous system. Usually taken orally in its naturally occurring solid state, thought it can be added to other foodstuffs, taken as a hot or cold drink,  and in particularly depraved instances can be melted and sucked off fingers. Physical indicators of use include a change in eating and sleeping patterns, general frenzy, a manic stare, a disinterest in normal activities, as well as a brown pigmentation developing around the lips and cheeks.

I realised we were on a very slippery slope when I discovered that Sunday Schools now peddle this foul vice.  Mr Alex marched out very proudly, slowly melting his next foil wrapped hit in his hand – a Cadbury’s Cream Egg – a chocolate based confection which encases a fondant ‘upper’ that has the double effect of intensifying and prolonging the high.

Truly evil.

Gobbledegook

An incomprehensible babble spoken by toddlers before they gain a full grasp of their native language.  Can also be wrongly referred to as gibberish.  The key difference being that when adults attempt to converse in gobbledegook they always appear very silly. Alternatively, complete gibberish can be flawlessly offered to one’s peers whilst in sensible  conversation. Particularly when nervous.

Mr Patrick is firmly in the gobbledegook phase.   Every activity he engages in throughout the day is accompanied by an incoherent commentary.

Gobbledegook (Smallprint)

A poetic language that is sung as opposed to spoken.  It is flexible in structure, with each speaker adding their own variation.  Rarely understood, but if delivered sincerely and with enthusiasm, it will always  yield a positive response.

However about a week or so ago we had a break through.  Mr Patrick’s first ‘proper’ word.

Adja

Alex.

Claire headed back out to take the Alice home.  I remained for a bit of ‘calm down and put to sleep’ duty.

Our two cats are very vocal around bedtime, as it is also their preferred time to dine.

Cat Food

A canned foodstuff for domestic felines that consists of jellied miscellaneous entrails.  Looks foul.  Smells foul. Is foul.

Hungry singing cats do not contribute to a conducive ambience for sleep.  So Patrick and I headed down to feed them first.  Patrick was sat on the counter top, as I mixed up the food.  Foolproof multi-tasking at its best.

I turned to place the first dish on the floor, when Patrick’s pacifier flew past my ear.  I looked round  to see him heading, with mixing spoon in hand, to dish number two.

Part of me wanted to go grab a camera, another suggested it may  be wise to intervene.

Cat Food (Mr Patrick)

An aesthetically pleasing dish with a meaty bouquet that makes for a very tempting midnight snack.  Best served cold and mixed with kibble. Gives a lovely shiny coat.

Lego (Yesteryear)

A popular toy, comprised of numerous  interlocking building blocks. Famed for stimulating creations that are only limited by one’s imagination.  Blocks  come in limited number of colours and dimensions,  that are then transformed into models of all shapes and sizes.

I was awoken about 5am on Tuesday to cries of horror.  Alex had taken a mutant lego crab to bed with him, rolled over it in his sleep, and reduced it to its constituent parts.

Unfortunately I had played no part in the crab’s prior assembly and my mental clarity, dexterity, and motor skills are just fabulous at such an hour.  In fact they are only matched by Alex’s patience and careful direction.

Needless to say a tense, but ultimately successful, ten minutes followed.

Lego (Smallprint)

Bespoke action figures  and miniature replicas that are assembled after purchase. Pieces come in a seemingly infinite array of colours and shapes, engineered to depict a precise and pre-determined form. Losing a single piece renders most packs useless.  They are a bugger to stand on.

My 5am start may have got a bit of cynicism on the go – but this old favourite seems to have lost a bit of it’s spark. Opening a Lego box these days fills me with a similar feeling to the dreaded Ikea flat pack.

At least all of my Ikea creations are still standing in their designed  form.

Well – more or less!

Why?

An adverb used by inquisitive minds of all ages to clarify the reasoning, purpose or cause of something.

Mr Alex is currently a black belt at this method of questioning.  Quite the interrogator.

Why? (Smallprint)

A crazy ‘drinking’ game for toddlers, that focusses on bamboozling adults for fun.  To play, the term should be sprinkled liberally into conversation, and asked each time an adult stops speaking.

Points are scored along the following lines:

1 point – each time you make an adult repeat themselves;

2 points - if they raise their voice, or if it ‘wobbles’;

3 points – if they become flushed;

4 points –  if your questioning make adults argue amongst themselves;

5 points – if they slam on the brakes in a moving vehicle, or perform any other form of emergency procedure on an involuntary basis. (Best to stop at this point)

Such a knowledge has been gained from observing other families whilst out and about.  I would never be lulled into such a game.

Especially the involuntary car breaking.

Never.

Accident

An unexpected event, or sequence of events, that brings about an unintended consequence.  Some such consequences can be fortuitous – but most are generally pretty poo.

‘Accidents’ tend to happen around meal times in our house.  With one (Patrick) of the boys ending up wearing the other’s (Alex’s) dinner.

At one particular meal time I turned round, to see what the giggling  was about, to find Mr Patrick modelling a new hairstyle featuring crushed cheese puffs, and smeared banana. Very handsome.

Alex, sporting significant levels of  trace evidence in and around his person offered “It was an accident Dada. It was an accident”

Accident (Smallprint)

A form of pre-emptive defence to be used when one is in a self inflicted and sticky predicament. Correct usage reflects a maturity that one is aware of one’s actions and consequences, whilst framing it in a context that one is not at fault.  A victim of circumstances, if you will. Very cunning.