Jetlag

Mr Patrick is much loved and much spoilt.  However it became clear at an early age that he is not a team player.  His sleeping patterns have always been erratic, and so therefore have been those of the rest of the household.

Over the last couple of weeks  this has been further confused by a trip to the USA.

Jetlag

A disruption in the normal rythyms and patterns of one’s body, caused by crossing multiple time zones in a passenger jet.

We are still struggling to get ourselves back on to BST.  First came ten nights of purple faced screaming.  That was fun.  Now we are loosely observing the hours of darkness – but as there are not too many of them at the moment, tiredness prevails.

Ever the optimist I recently discovered the well hidden silver lining.  After approximately 18 months of disturbed sleep, Claire and I felt no effects of jetlag on either leg of our trip.  Brill.  Granted it was hard to trail ourselves out of bed on a few occassions – but sure thats the norm.

It appears that we have been living in a state of ‘jetlag’ for the last 18 months.

Jetlag  (Smallprint)

A permanent state of disorientated frenzy and flux experienced by parents of poor sleeping children.  May further manifest in the form of delusions, hallucinations, loss of sense of humour as well as general paranoia.  Chronic sufferers should be approached with caution, though the offer of a duvet and ten minutes peace should see most curl into the foetal position in the nearest corner.

So it appears that I have in my possession a miniature jetlag antidote.  If you are planning a trip and want to get yourself ready – Mr Patrick’s bags are packed and he is more than happy to come stay.

I can’t recommend it enough.

Wet Wipe

Wet Wipe

Moist, soft tissues used to clean mucky bits.  Indispensable tools of the parenting trade that have more uses than one would care to admit in polite company.  Particularly good at removing food stains from clothes before getting out of the car upon arrival at work.

I was out at a friend’s last week, when something happened to me for the first time in years.  Whilst cleaning up the devastation of his son’s dinner, he reached over suddenly and wiped my face – very much in the manner that I do with my two, multiple times a day.

Wet Wipe (Smallprint)

A means of applying physical torture.  Victims are held in a variety of awkward positions, whilst these implements  are vigorously forced over the nose and mouth area.  When approached, best to react vocally so as to attract attention from onlookers, and if unlucky enough to be restrained, prolonged and violent wriggling usually proves enough to tire the aggressor.  As an evil aside, they are cunningly designed to resemble the most popular method of conveying peaceful intentions – the white flag. Do not be fooled.

Therefore, I would strongly recommend that, in a step of unilateral empathy, you have someone enthusiastically wipe your face today.

Then, simply breathe, count to ten, and wait for the overwhelming urge to kill them to subside.

Please.

Weapon

One of the great unspoken laws of nature decrees that ‘Where there are boys, there is hitting’.

Mr Alex is at a very imaginative stage and spends most of his days in character, battling unseen foes.  We went out with some friends for a walk on Sunday and he spent most of the day trying to vanquish the mysterious ‘Beast of One’.  Who, if Alex is to be believed, is a particularly terrifying character.

Weapon

An offensive item designed to render harm against an adversary.  Available in many forms with differing capacities for devastion.   Moral justification for use is complex, and they generally tend to be a burner of relational bridges.  Nuclear types are best avoided.

Thankfully the ‘Beast of One’ was pursued on the most part with a plastic sword.  (There was an incident involving a hand full of gravel, and a well aimed lob – but that has been dealt with and best not discussed further).

Weapon (Smallprint)

An improvised or alternate use for any common household item. Indeed with a little imagination any domestic setting can prove to be a veritable armoury.  Moral justificiation for use is straightforward – it is best to strike first and strike hard - before supervisory parental types try to introduce diplomatic measures.

Unfortunately, when the imaginary beasts manifest into a physical form, it is most usually in a shape similar to that of Mr Patrick – who recieves a liberal pummelling.

Our  BBQ accessory set is the latest domestic item on the blacklist, following an incident involving a set of of oversized tongs.

Happy times.

Poo

Sorry.  This topic is not very pleasant, but unfortunately for me, has been a pressing subject of late.

Poo

Expelled bodily waste with a distinctive odour.  Primarily made up of a mixture of digested foodstuffs along with byproducts of internal processes.  Is a potential hazard to health, and as a result, large amounts of time and money have been invested in creating elaborate sewage systems to ensure that exposure to said material is limited.  Has many synonyms, most of which are considered to be profane in nature.

Mr Alex, after a period of prolonged resistance, is now skilled at deploying his poo into the aforementioned sewage system.  Though someone generally has to witness each deposit, as he treats each a bit like the maiden voyage of a ship, requiring due celebration.  We do stop short of breaking bottles off of them though.

Mr Patrick, however, has recently had a rather nasty tummy bug.

Poo (Smallprint)

A foul, yet intriguing substance, that comes in variety of unpredictable forms.  In one of nature’s sickest flourishes, parental instinct overrides revulsion, in order to facilitate primary care of the young.  It has been said that when in a city that one is never more than twelve feet from a rat.  This maxim also applies to parents, in that they are likely never to be more than twelve feet from poo, or the remnant of an earlier transaction.

One evening last week, I picked Patrick out of his high chair to say ‘Hi’ when I got home from work.  First came the smell.  Second came the splat.  It appeared that the tummy bug had manifested some of the infamous ‘pure liquid’ variant, and it was cascading from every opening of Patrick’s clothing.

He looked like he had been marinated in a particularly piquant mustard. It was not one of his cuter moments.

A period of blind panic ensued that culminated in an emergency bath.

The next day I got into work.  A helpful colleague pointed out that it appeared that I had walked through a muddy puddle.

The white heat of realisation was followed by a nervous inclination towards honesty, but thankfully I pulled out of the nose dive in time.

Yes – Damn those mucky puddles.

Chocolate

Chocolate

A creamy textured foodstuff produced primarily from cocoa solids and cocoa butter.  A comfort food, that is a popular gift, treat and snack.  Believed by some to possess mood elevating properties.

We had the best of intentions to ration all Easter supplies this year.  However whatever resolve we had was quickly eroded by unbridled enthusiasm when the boys woke on Sunday morning.  Ten minutes later we were all in our bed  and covered.  It was mostly Patrick’s fault.

Following this healthiest of breakfasts, we then steeled ourselves for a variety of social engagements -brunch with friends, Church, lunch with Claire’s parents, and then dinner with mine.  What could go wrong?

Chocolate (Smallprint)

An illicit substance that stimulates the central nervous system. Usually taken orally in its naturally occurring solid state, thought it can be added to other foodstuffs, taken as a hot or cold drink,  and in particularly depraved instances can be melted and sucked off fingers. Physical indicators of use include a change in eating and sleeping patterns, general frenzy, a manic stare, a disinterest in normal activities, as well as a brown pigmentation developing around the lips and cheeks.

I realised we were on a very slippery slope when I discovered that Sunday Schools now peddle this foul vice.  Mr Alex marched out very proudly, slowly melting his next foil wrapped hit in his hand – a Cadbury’s Cream Egg – a chocolate based confection which encases a fondant ‘upper’ that has the double effect of intensifying and prolonging the high.

Truly evil.